My daughter is big on the Disney movies these days. Well, let's be real. For the last 4 years. One day after watching Moana for about the 17th time, we were recommended Encanto. We knew nothing about it but decided to try it. It was okay, but I couldn't really pick out what was going on and I didn't understand what the great fuss was about.
One song, however, stood out to me. More on that later.
I'm not sure why, but we decided to give it another chance. I paid attention. I saw pieces of myself in some of the characters. We all want to shine, we all want to be seen and feel special, and yet we all want to fit in. We all want to have something we're "gifted" in. I suppose sometimes we all feel like Mirabel... Wondering when it's our own turn to shine.
There is a particular scene towards the end where I blubber uncontrollably and I don't know why I deliberately watch it every time. Abuelo is struck down, and Abuela falls to her knees in grief. And so, I see a bit of myself in her. Of course we all know why.
But where I really see Katie, and the thing I discussed in therapy today, is Luisa. Her song was the one that first grabbed me on our first viewing. I've always been sensitive and emotional, and then in the same breath I'm always being strong for the people around me. I started to think on it and really delve in. It's a great paradox. Why am I that way?
I was not treated kindly by some people in school and of course the age old response to a bully is, ignore them. Don't let them see that they're bothering you. And while that's great advice, it teaches internalizing. (What's the better solution? Damned if I know.) In another separate period, I was belittled for making my needs known. So I learned not to ask. I learned to serve everyone else and not be concerned with my own needs. ("Under the surface, I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service.") This is one I've been learning to be better about. I've seen how toxic it can be to be a "yes man/woman/person". I'm learning to speak up before I burst.
Some of it also comes from someone from my past who was uncomfortable around emotions and seemed to always try to stunt mine. My sensitivity was seen as immaturity and it was a major component of that part of my life ending. But I've found myself more than once worried that my emotions, my anxiety, was going to push people away.
There are other incidences I discussed with my psychologist but most notably, after Jesse's initial diagnosis of brain tumor I never showed emotion. I put on a mask. If I showed my fear, he would be afraid, and we couldn't have that. So I internalized. And for a while things went great! And when they didn't, I still wouldn't let him see my fear. I tried to stay strong for him and I know he tried to stay strong for me. Even after, I had to keep it together. Just get through the services. Stay strong for the baby. Just keep moving forward. Go back to work and get into a routine. Don't show how sad I am because it'll make everybody uncomfortable.
We're finding that there are a lot of things I never truly processed, and I'm wondering if it's the reason behind my recent explosion of anxiety. I can't keep it in any more, and it's all coming out at once. "Under the surface, I hide my nerves and it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us." That basically IS me. I'm always on edge, afraid something is coming. It's related I think to my internalizing, and likewise it's a defense mechanism to keep me from being surprised again.
Learning where it all comes from is helpful. I'm trying to learn how to balance it, and not keep everything in until I burst.
"Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks."
It's funny how what was meant as a movie, entertainment, for children, can strike a chord so deep.
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