Lesson one in managing anxiety (Is it lesson one? Who knows.) is learning to let go of the things you can't control, and focus on the things you can. When it comes to cancer, there are a lot of things you can't control such as genetic predispositions, age, race, gender, and plain old bad luck. But there are a lot of variables I do have control over, and this is where I can start to remind myself where I do have some power.
I make some reasonably good choices. I've never even taken a drag of a cigarette. I limit my alcohol most of the time. Glass of wine here and there, maybe a casual cocktail. I try to exercise, though that's been getting less and less for a variety of reasons. Eating.... okay I need to make some changes there. I can NOT control my biology.... age, genetic predispositions, being female. I don't think there's a lot that runs in my family as far as genetic cancers, and those that are, we have screenings for. So a lot of this has to come from within. I can't just turn off my anxiety and not worry... believe me I would if I could. I've been working with a psychologist for a few years and she's great! We've uncovered a lot about my issues with my self-image, my relationship style, and she's always, always been there when I've been in crisis. But, I have a bona fide case of PTSD from what I went through with Jesse, and that's not her area of expertise. So, she's given me a referral in to someone who does specialize in grief trauma. I cried telling her last week that I think I have to start seeing a different provider because I don't like goodbyes, and I do value our relationship. But I think we've done all that we can do together.
The last six months have been a battle. Things started going a little haywire over the summer, but starting with noticing the actinic keratosis on Jon's cheek last November, that set off a chain reaction of things that didn't stop until just yesterday. December was reasonably calm, though still the wonder of what if his doctor is wrong about his face was on my mind, and then he couldn't seem to kick his flare which had us all concerned. Scan-xiety always rears its ugly head even though we didn't think they would find anything on his scope... it's just one of those lovely things that come along with him having Crohn's. But no sooner did we clear that and I found that shiny new mole in a very unusual place. I got that taken care of reasonably quickly and we approached Jon's appointment when my gastrointestinal problems started.
They've now pretty much run every test they can on me. Looked for bacterial, parasites, viruses, inflammatory markers. There is a blood test that can look for tumor markers and the first GI ordered it for me to ease my mind, but refused to order me a colonoscopy because she was so sure my symptoms were not cancer. And that was enough... until it wasn't. At her recommendation I started Immodium which did stop the diarrhea, but the abdominal pain did not stop. I saw the second GI while I was in the middle of treatment for bronchitis (because why TF not??) so she said once that passed, I was no longer on antibiotics, stop taking Immodium and see what happens. If the diarrhea came back, she would order a colonoscopy. It didn't, but the stomach cramps continued. I don't know what it was that triggered me, but something in her message to me in my portal set me off all over again. All she said was, let's schedule a colonoscopy, contact (name) to get it set up. An innocent enough statement, but it was enough to tip me back over the edge.
At first I was upset that it was over a month away. That was a long time to wait for answers. But as is my usual way when such a thing starts drawing near, I got increasingly anxious about what they might tell me and started contemplating canceling out of fear. But I knew, the what if would continue to drive me mad. While I was waiting, as an extra dose of fun, I started having irregular cycles which I've not had since college. So of course that snapped me right back into it. Maybe THAT's why I'm having abdominal pain? Do I have cancer there?? Luckily the midwife at my OBGYN office was able to see me quickly. She did an exam, ordered bloodwork, an ultrasound. She believed I was looking at endometriosis. Well now, that's unexpected and different! But all the symptoms started to make sense! After all, the D attacks did coincide with my cycle! Was this the answer?
As I so often say, not so fast, kid.
All my labs came up normal, my ultrasound came up normal. Of course I know the only way to diagnose endo is with surgery. I met with my OBGYN and she didn't want to put me into another surgery knowing my scope was coming up, and said we could try an IUD to see if that helps. If it doesn't we'll go ahead with the exploratory surgery.
But, what about my fear? Could there be a tumor hiding in there somewhere?
Not likely, she said. My hormone levels were normal, nothing suspicious looking on the ultrasound, Beth didn't feel anything abnormal during my exam. If it'll ease my mind for her to take a biopsy while she's placing the IUD (yes please) it can easily be done. So that'll be that. But she doesn't think it's what's been causing my GI distress.
But then I'm back to square one on what is wrong with my guts?
Yesterday the day finally arrived. I would rather go through another 2 day labor than go through another bowel prep (hoorah for the fact that this was just a first one and I still have many in my future as I age >< ) and I was trying not to sob in the room as they were getting me ready. I explained about my anxiety and the doctor was absolutely lovely. He put his hand on mine and said we're here today looking for evidence of inflammation, he's not at all worried we'll find anything serious. They had me get comfortable on my side, the room started to spin after the nurse started my sedative, and the next thing I knew I heard him on the phone with Jon telling him I did absolutely great, they found and removed a single polyp, and I'm officially diagnosed with IBS. Jon brought me home and I took a 3 hour nap, finally relieved of my latest bout of anxiety.
Finally after 6 months, I have peace. There's still no bona fide explanation for my irregular cycle other than, I just stopped nursing my baby and I'm approaching 40, so these things might start to happen. And I've been just a bit stressed out. I was telling Jon just after my follow up with my primary this morning, I might as well call a spade a spade and say it: I'm a hypochondriac. It's hard to control my anxiety because it's not constant, it's not predictable, and it's not black and white. I never know when something will trigger me to be afraid. I was moving right along through life just fine when I found something weird in the shower that turned out to be a common mole. But it set me off and cost me a couple of weeks to my fear. Jon himself has noticed in the last few months since my bowel issues started, it's stolen my quality of life. I'm not exercising, I'm not cooking, I'm not getting down to play with the kids, I'm not sleeping, because my anxiety has consumed me. It's better for now, but how long until another thing pops up? What will it be? Will it be me again? Jon? One of the kids? A parent? A sibling? Who?
This is where it comes back to control. I feel like I have more power, I have more control, when I KNOW what I'm dealing with. When I'm left guessing (or Googling), I always land on the worst case scenario. One of the things I've been discovering lately is the why. When Jesse was first sick, the idea of brain cancer was never even a blip. It was just a migraine. I was caught completely by surprise when they told us the CT was abnormal. And then, the neurosurgeon told us we could manage it and he was going to be okay. I was caught completely by surprise again when he relapsed, and this time he didn't get out of it. So naturally, it's a defense mechanism that my mind goes to the worst case, so I can't be caught off guard again. I can't be hurt like that again. The problem with that is I get so caught in it that I'm not living. And there have been so many things like it over the last year, year and a half, that I've really lost a lot of time to worry.
So now what? I've identified the problem. Fixing it is the tricky part. I'm on medication. The ones that were good for anxiety had some undesirable side effects and it was enough that while it was helping with my anxiety, the side effects were causing me other issues with depression. So I switched up my meds, and I feel like they're about as effective as Skittles. I met with my doctor this morning to follow up on it, but I do have another mysterious procedure coming up in 2.5 weeks and she doesn't feel now is the best time to be playing with my meds. Now that this little stretch is over, she thinks it best to let things settle down and see how I do, work with the new therapist, and follow up after my surgery.
Oh, what's the surgery? Ummm, it's personal. Anyone who sees me in person will be able to tell what I've had done. If my surgeon does his job the way I ask for, it'll be obvious. But it's awkward to talk about. So while I'm usually a pretty open book, I'm going to leave everyone with those little tidbits for now! Suffice it to say my symptoms are physical, but it will help with my emotional health too.
So for now the journey continues. And now that my scope is in my wake and I have yet another "this is definitely not cancer" under my belt, I can start the process of healing. And hopefully, if there is a next time (there is always a next time) I'll be more well equipped to handle it so it can stop stealing my life. I am exhausted. But the phoenix must still fly.
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