I knew this time of year was going to hurt. It carries a mixed bag of emotions, being the first year without Jesse and the anniversary of a lot of things I'd rather not relive in my mind. With that however comes a lot of good things, exciting firsts and watching Eva enjoy the magic and wonder of Christmas.
To date, I've been doing very well with it. I have people I can lean on when things get really tough. I know I'm never alone unless I want to be. And so far I've been okay. I've had the Christmas music going in my car since early November, ran my Turkey Trot with the usual gusto, my beautiful little family is growing and bringing me much joy.
But every once in a while, there's something. I don't like using the word triggered with all of today's little connotations that go along with it but there really is no better word. A song creates a mental image of a life that will never be. I see Jesse's name and dates in stone for the first time. I feel a sense of helplessness and lack of control. And it takes me.
I'm starting to recognize patterns in seemingly unrelated areas such as my weight loss attempts, or with what I thought had been a slam dunk with a head hunter. I get irrationally angry when things don't go the way I think they should and I can't shake them off. They follow me. I'm working with a therapist and she helped me recognize that, the last time I felt a sense of helplessness and lack of control, my husband died. No wonder it sends me to this place. We haven't gotten to managing it yet, but recognizing where it comes from and why was a great a-ha moment.
The next two months, I'm fairly certain, are going to be difficult. I may have my smile, but it likely won't have its usual sparkle. This is where you come in.
What do I need? Well, this is going to be a tricky one. I need loads of understanding. This is my first holiday season without Jesse. His first birthday not Earth side. First Christmas. Anniversary of his final turn. Anniversary of his final days. Christmas was my favorite time of year, but imagine the memories I'm carrying with me this year. How he was so sick last year he couldn't even open his presents. I still have unopened lottery scratch off tickets. The PTSD will be strong this year. There will be lots of tears and for a while, yeah, I may be a bit wrapped up in my own little world.
I'm going to need shoulders to cry on and to lean on. Those who know me well know that I'm terrible at reaching out. Unless we've already been talking regularly for a long time I won't suddenly start, so I do need to be pulled out of that shell. It's an introvert thing... And it's a catch 22. Unless I know you well, I don't really know what to talk to you about unless you lead the conversation. So, I will need you to knock on the proverbial door and say, we're going out.
I'm strong, but even the strong occasionally break down. Don't give up on me... Usually when I retreat, those who know me best know that that's when I need you most.
But they sure did a beautiful job.
To date, I've been doing very well with it. I have people I can lean on when things get really tough. I know I'm never alone unless I want to be. And so far I've been okay. I've had the Christmas music going in my car since early November, ran my Turkey Trot with the usual gusto, my beautiful little family is growing and bringing me much joy.
But every once in a while, there's something. I don't like using the word triggered with all of today's little connotations that go along with it but there really is no better word. A song creates a mental image of a life that will never be. I see Jesse's name and dates in stone for the first time. I feel a sense of helplessness and lack of control. And it takes me.
I'm starting to recognize patterns in seemingly unrelated areas such as my weight loss attempts, or with what I thought had been a slam dunk with a head hunter. I get irrationally angry when things don't go the way I think they should and I can't shake them off. They follow me. I'm working with a therapist and she helped me recognize that, the last time I felt a sense of helplessness and lack of control, my husband died. No wonder it sends me to this place. We haven't gotten to managing it yet, but recognizing where it comes from and why was a great a-ha moment.
The next two months, I'm fairly certain, are going to be difficult. I may have my smile, but it likely won't have its usual sparkle. This is where you come in.
What do I need? Well, this is going to be a tricky one. I need loads of understanding. This is my first holiday season without Jesse. His first birthday not Earth side. First Christmas. Anniversary of his final turn. Anniversary of his final days. Christmas was my favorite time of year, but imagine the memories I'm carrying with me this year. How he was so sick last year he couldn't even open his presents. I still have unopened lottery scratch off tickets. The PTSD will be strong this year. There will be lots of tears and for a while, yeah, I may be a bit wrapped up in my own little world.
I'm going to need shoulders to cry on and to lean on. Those who know me well know that I'm terrible at reaching out. Unless we've already been talking regularly for a long time I won't suddenly start, so I do need to be pulled out of that shell. It's an introvert thing... And it's a catch 22. Unless I know you well, I don't really know what to talk to you about unless you lead the conversation. So, I will need you to knock on the proverbial door and say, we're going out.
I'm strong, but even the strong occasionally break down. Don't give up on me... Usually when I retreat, those who know me best know that that's when I need you most.
But they sure did a beautiful job.
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