My house is complete chaos. The dishwasher needs to be swapped, laundry needs to be folded, bills need to be paid, and let's not talk about the clutter. Evalina is down for her nap and I could be cleaning, but for right now, I choose to let the chaos reflect what's going on in my head and heart.
How have I been doing? It depends on the hour. Literally. Actually sometimes you could put it down to the minute. I've never had an issue with being bipolar but I've said in more than one other context, grief changes you. One minute I'm doing alright! I'm planning my fall vacation, or I'm at my dance lesson, or I'm playing with the baby and I feel almost normal! The highs are getting higher.
Then something reminds me. And the lows are lower.
It may not even be always something that makes me think of Jesse. Yesterday we were doing active shooter training at work. First of all I hate that such a thing is necessary. Second if someone came through the door with a gun and started shooting, yours truly is first in line since my promotion is STILL on indefinite hold. (The things I never thought I'd have to worry about.) And third. The video was disturbing. It wasn't graphic but they made a movie of a shooting in an office. I don't know why but I found myself on the edge of tears. Twice I had to fight it back. I mean, there was a shooting at my campus while I was in grad school and my friend WAS directly impacted by a maniac on a shooting spree, but why would that trigger me? Other than the fact that I'm a raw nerve ending.
I'm navigating waters that I'm very thankful that none of my young friends have had to tread before me. But at the same point in time it can be a very lonely and isolating place to be. At first I was overwhelmed with people and wanted breaks to be alone. And sometimes still, I am an introvert after all, I do still like my time alone. But sometimes, I need to be forced out of my home and into humanity. Sometimes I'm dying to get out and be around people, where people don't know about what's going on, but need someone to come and play with the little lady. It's hard for me still to ask for help, it's especially hard for me to go to specific people to say "HELP!!", and I rather put it out there to see who's free. So if I've reached that point please understand, I need you! Weekends are especially difficult. I want to get out, but my life revolves around nap and bedtime schedules now.
I'm finding that I've changed in ways I never imagined. Some are good and wouldn't mind keeping! I stand up for myself now. I'm much more bold and less likely to put up with BS. But I'm also more cynical, which I don't enjoy. I have a shorter fuse, which I don't suppose is unexpected, but I'm not loving that. Actually I feel like sometimes navigating me is like walking a minefield. I'm sorry for that.
I have a hard time too with things I used to enjoy. Sometimes it's a matter of babysitting, others I have a hard time with wanting to. I'm hoping those are the waves of grief carrying a bit of depression, and that it will pass. Even sometimes I'll be looking forward to something up until the time that it comes to get ready to do it and then, I have to force myself. It's hard even at home to get into any of the things I used to enjoy because Evalina is in such a phase of clinginess. I can't put her down to play and do something I want or need to do because she just wants her Mama. Not necessarily a bad thing! But it's a hard balance to find.
I especially want to keep my promise to myself to get fit. For me. I felt good about myself when I was in shape and I don't feel good about myself now. I Have a few good days and then I lose it again. I guess I haven't found a why as compelling as when I got into a "Have to do it now" habit as the first time. Though this week I really had the desire to go to the gym, but on the days I meant to go I realized I didn't have the right jogging bra. In fact I'm registered for the Flower City Half Marathon in the morning and I'm still waffling on if I should do it or not.
It took forever for my child to go to bed, and I've barely gotten half the thoughts down that have been swirling around in my head, but already she is calling for me.
Sometimes I suppose just good enough is going to have to be good enough, for now.
Comments
Post a Comment