Last night I went out and had fun, for the first time since about November. I hadn't had something to really look forward to since Evalina's Baptism. I went to a masked swing dance party and it satisfied a few needs that hadn't been met in a very long time. First of all adequate physical activity! I've been too much of a lump. I was purely exhausted when I left and there was still a set to go, but I was good and worked out when I came home. Second, joy and laughter! I get those in large amounts with my little girl, and my Friday night girls nights in. But there is a certain something that comes along with dance that can't be replicated. It is my happy place when the rest of the world is in shambles. Today my legs have a delicious soreness that comes with having been worked in a way they're no longer used to. I'm contemplating becoming a semi-regular in the lessons but I'm not exactly sure how they work. They don't have a structured so-many week series and then you graduate to the next set. And, of course, it's not as easy to pick up and go do when I have a little boogie-butt to arrange care for. But I saw the way they've all bonded and wouldn't mind being a part of that while I get my dance on. It almost took my mind off the fact that it was the 2 year anniversary of finding out about the monster growing in my husband.
I got to thinking about how people deal with things, and everybody finds a different way to do it. Some turn to a vice like alcohol, gambling, or in my case, copious amounts of fatty foods and sweets. Some jump into something new way too fast. Some run away. Some WITHER away. I had enough time to think, and in my usual Type A way, plan. I thought I would know how I would feel and what I would want/need. I had no idea. I still have no idea. I wanted to hop on a train to California and get away for a week. When the time came I didn't feel like it. I'm still planning that run away, instead for the Fall. Where am I going? I don't know yet. I've had thoughts of still doing my train tour, making stops along the way in various places around the country to see sights I've never seen. I've always wanted to take a Rhine River tour in Germany. Well, always being since I learned of all the beautiful things there. It's been since 2010 since I've been to a quality beach so the idea of a cruise is never far from my mind. I have time before I have to decide, but not much.
As I'd said in one blog, having something to look forward to helps. Is it a defense mechanism? Am I still wearing my mask? Perhaps. Along with the sadness you would expect come so many more emotions. Anger. Loneliness. Fear. Confusion. A feeling of being lost, like the world is spinning and you don't know which way is up. For me at least, there's an absurd case of ADD and inability to focus. You feel like a raw nerve ending. You find yourself giving the TV the finger every time you see an ad for Blue Nile Diamonds, or eHarmony and their "perfect loves". You'll look for a balm for your weary soul in any place you can get it.
We do need to proceed with caution. We all know most vices are not good. Junk food, gambling, drugs and alcohol. They might numb the pain for a while but it WILL come back. Sometimes accompanied by a raging migraine when you're supposed to meet a friend for brunch (THANKS Relax Riesling!) To me, a new relationship sounds absolutely nauseating but to some it sounds like a good solution. Most of the time they find themselves hurting more than they did before. And I get it.... there is a huge void in my life and a hole in my soul. Trying to fill that void with another person is like putting a band aid over something that needs stitches. It might help for a while, but in the end at least to me, it sounds like putting a square peg in a round hole.
For me, I've found solace in writing. I have blogs running in my head faster than I can write them down. And then when I do they never look as good as they sounded in my head. The flow is interrupted and I ask, where was I going with that? This wasn't what I originally wanted to say, but that is good. How do I connect the train back to the track? But I suppose it doesn't matter. This is more for me, and maybe hopefully I can help someone else in similar shoes. Sometimes I find myself censoring my thoughts, to make it flow. But I shouldn't do that. I should just write what I feel.
I've also found having pen pals help with having something to look forward to. I've made a few new friends... one in Italy, a couple in England, one in Algeria, Brazil, France, a few in various places in the States. The international ones have actually been great! They've helped with my language learning. I'm finding that I'm able to read the French quite well, though I've had to Google translate my responses to make sure they're grammatically correct. It's mostly superficial conversation, likes and interests, but there's been some deep thoughts on life, bonding over grief, and of course, favorite Doctors. I've actually chatted with more than a couple professional developers and software engineers to talk programming and advise me in finding my way! It's all around been a great thing for me. Most eventually fall silent but I've had a few lasting conversations.
Speaking of running though it's not going well. I've still got time to hit my goal but the motivation to move outside of my dancing is not happening. I'm afraid to say the same goes for cleaning my house. I do it because it needs to be done, and if I don't nobody will. But oh the struggle to find the desire! The state of the place does drive me nuts, and it is so much nicer when the laundry and all of the STUFF are all put away, but I have this horrible habit of seeing just how much needs to be done and getting frustrated so that I don't want to do any of it. Not my proudest trait! Something I can work on, especially while the baby is napping.
I'm hoping the change of seasons will help, with a lot. I know how much distaste I have for the treadmill. I call it the dreadmill. Maybe with the warmer weather and a bit of sunshine coming I'll be able to motivate myself outside. After all, I made arrangements for an earlier work day so I can run on lunch. I need to run on lunch. Spring always makes me feel better anyways. It's a new beginning every year. Grasses turn green, trees blossom new leaves or fruit. It's the time to start planning the garden. The sun is shining. To me, there's a certain smell in the air. All things combined fill me with hope! This year more than ever I could use that renewed feeling of new hope.
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