Grief is weird. It never manifests in the way you expect, or in the same way twice.
That part where I said I'm sleeping fine, that's a just kidding. I never want to go to bed at night which isn't new, and more often than not I don't want to sleep in my room. I don't know why, but suddenly I've been sleeping on the couch most nights. I slept in the bed for a month alone while he was in the hospital when I wasn't spending the night AT the hospital. So why now do I not want to sleep there? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe it's because the last time he was in there with me he got carried out on a stretcher. That first night he was in the hospital I definitely did not want to go in there. Who knew when he was carried out of there he wouldn't be going back in? At least, it is a very comfortable couch.
I found myself facing some very unexpected things today that triggered the waves of grief to crash over me. There's the obvious... hearing a song, pictures, memories on Facebook. But it's the unexpected things today that got to me. I was sitting in the chair playing with the baby when I realized, his last night here he was in that chair until he went up to bed. I knew something was wrong. My stupid ever perceptive gut didn't want to be alone that night in case something happened. Once again my gut was right.
The one I really didn't expect was when I was watching This Is Us. I know, that show is full of triggers and I should watch that one with extreme caution. But it wasn't what I expected to get to me. I'm way behind and was watching the episode focusing on Kevin. They put him in an MRI machine and I could only think of Jesse going for his scans. Next was the episode about Kate. It wasn't the miscarriage that got to me, it was when her mother showed up at her door and she finally let go that I did too. Something about her falling apart in her mother's arms finally broke down a few layers of the wall.
But since I don't know when to leave well enough alone I kept watching. The next episode was reasonably safe for me, and then like a dummy I watched the one after. The Fifth Wheel. Most obvious of what got to me was everybody talking about the loss of their father. Rebecca saying they only had 17 years worth of memories and not wanting to taint them. What about poor Evalina? She doesn't have those.
What got to me more was the cabin. They vacationed in the Poconos in a cabin, and in a lot of ways it made me think of summer. At first I was happy because I love summer. I Love going to the lake. I love going camping, getting caught in a warm summer rain. The cabin reminded me of the annual family trip to Brant Lake which we always enjoyed and looked forward to. That's where the sad started. The firsts are going to be the worst, and for as much as I look forward to summer, this is going to be a difficult one. No running together. No trips to Abbott's and walking the pier. No road trip to the cabin or Southwick. No trips to Niagara Falls, just because. I can do all these things of course, but I'll be doing them without my partner in crime. That one broke hard through the numb.
There are so many things we wanted to do together before he got sick. So many plans. He took me horseback riding the first summer we were married. We always wanted to go again but he was never medically cleared. On our first date he talked about taking SCUBA lessons. That never happened. Ever since we came back from Mont Tremblant and Italy we talked about going back together. We always knew we did not want Evalina to be an only child. We love our house but wanted eventually to move to a house that suited a few needs that this one doesn't. We wanted to plant fruit trees.
Honestly, I'm not doing as okay as I may have thought, or may appear. It's manifesting itself in ways that are less visible than puddles of tears. My mask may still be on, but I'm anxious all the time, like I'm forgetting something.
What do I need? Ever the question, and usually one I can't answer. I don't really know what I need. I have gotten to be a lot better about asking for help when I need it. Please know how much I appreciate all of the cards, gifts, meals, and contributions for Evalina's college fund. I do intend on doing thank you cards, and hopefully not take a hundred years to get to the post office for stamps this time. It's quite a paradox to sometimes just want company, but not want to talk. Maybe sometimes I need to be forced out of the house, though that's not something I'd likely ask for. That's where I'll count on my "village" to just inform me, "You're doing this". As long as the baby's covered, I likely won't argue.
Actually putting some thought into that, I think that's exactly what I need.
It's been recommended that I find my way to return to dance and I think that will be very necessary. And finding a way back into a workout routine. Running has saved me from a lot in the past, and I find a lot of clarity when I'm putting in my miles. It's a lot harder now that I have Eva to account for, but I will find a way.
That part where I said I'm sleeping fine, that's a just kidding. I never want to go to bed at night which isn't new, and more often than not I don't want to sleep in my room. I don't know why, but suddenly I've been sleeping on the couch most nights. I slept in the bed for a month alone while he was in the hospital when I wasn't spending the night AT the hospital. So why now do I not want to sleep there? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe it's because the last time he was in there with me he got carried out on a stretcher. That first night he was in the hospital I definitely did not want to go in there. Who knew when he was carried out of there he wouldn't be going back in? At least, it is a very comfortable couch.
I found myself facing some very unexpected things today that triggered the waves of grief to crash over me. There's the obvious... hearing a song, pictures, memories on Facebook. But it's the unexpected things today that got to me. I was sitting in the chair playing with the baby when I realized, his last night here he was in that chair until he went up to bed. I knew something was wrong. My stupid ever perceptive gut didn't want to be alone that night in case something happened. Once again my gut was right.
The one I really didn't expect was when I was watching This Is Us. I know, that show is full of triggers and I should watch that one with extreme caution. But it wasn't what I expected to get to me. I'm way behind and was watching the episode focusing on Kevin. They put him in an MRI machine and I could only think of Jesse going for his scans. Next was the episode about Kate. It wasn't the miscarriage that got to me, it was when her mother showed up at her door and she finally let go that I did too. Something about her falling apart in her mother's arms finally broke down a few layers of the wall.
But since I don't know when to leave well enough alone I kept watching. The next episode was reasonably safe for me, and then like a dummy I watched the one after. The Fifth Wheel. Most obvious of what got to me was everybody talking about the loss of their father. Rebecca saying they only had 17 years worth of memories and not wanting to taint them. What about poor Evalina? She doesn't have those.
What got to me more was the cabin. They vacationed in the Poconos in a cabin, and in a lot of ways it made me think of summer. At first I was happy because I love summer. I Love going to the lake. I love going camping, getting caught in a warm summer rain. The cabin reminded me of the annual family trip to Brant Lake which we always enjoyed and looked forward to. That's where the sad started. The firsts are going to be the worst, and for as much as I look forward to summer, this is going to be a difficult one. No running together. No trips to Abbott's and walking the pier. No road trip to the cabin or Southwick. No trips to Niagara Falls, just because. I can do all these things of course, but I'll be doing them without my partner in crime. That one broke hard through the numb.
There are so many things we wanted to do together before he got sick. So many plans. He took me horseback riding the first summer we were married. We always wanted to go again but he was never medically cleared. On our first date he talked about taking SCUBA lessons. That never happened. Ever since we came back from Mont Tremblant and Italy we talked about going back together. We always knew we did not want Evalina to be an only child. We love our house but wanted eventually to move to a house that suited a few needs that this one doesn't. We wanted to plant fruit trees.
Honestly, I'm not doing as okay as I may have thought, or may appear. It's manifesting itself in ways that are less visible than puddles of tears. My mask may still be on, but I'm anxious all the time, like I'm forgetting something.
What do I need? Ever the question, and usually one I can't answer. I don't really know what I need. I have gotten to be a lot better about asking for help when I need it. Please know how much I appreciate all of the cards, gifts, meals, and contributions for Evalina's college fund. I do intend on doing thank you cards, and hopefully not take a hundred years to get to the post office for stamps this time. It's quite a paradox to sometimes just want company, but not want to talk. Maybe sometimes I need to be forced out of the house, though that's not something I'd likely ask for. That's where I'll count on my "village" to just inform me, "You're doing this". As long as the baby's covered, I likely won't argue.
Actually putting some thought into that, I think that's exactly what I need.
It's been recommended that I find my way to return to dance and I think that will be very necessary. And finding a way back into a workout routine. Running has saved me from a lot in the past, and I find a lot of clarity when I'm putting in my miles. It's a lot harder now that I have Eva to account for, but I will find a way.
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ReplyDeleteThank you Katie for sharing. The grief will remain always, but go out and run, plant those trees for him. When E gets old enough, do those things with her, so she will learn more about her daddy. You have some awesome friends and people in your life. Do not be afraid to lean on them if you need, but most of all do not be afraid to be happy. Even though we never met, the fact that Jesse loved you tells me you are very special.
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