Insert clever title here - Katie

I usually try to come up with something interesting and witty for the title but I just don't have it in me tonight.

I've had a lot of questions about Jesse's status, how's he doing, any improvement. Rather than creating hysteria or a mass rush of questions/messages I've been keeping it mostly to myself. But as I said in my last post, we've moved from curative care to comfort care and don't foresee that changing. Any updates that would follow lead back to that other post about awkward conversation - You get the idea. He's comfortable and right now that's all we can ask for. We thank everybody for the cards and the letters, they've meant a lot to our family. Jesse is no longer at Unity, we have moved him into a smaller facility.

We do continue to ask that we keep visitation to family only. As you can imagine we are all overwhelmed and doing what we can do deal with the situation we find ourselves in. We do appreciate how many people have come to be with Jesse or asked about his status... he is one very loved man and we do feel your love for him.

How am I coping? Well, I have a few analogies I like to use. I like to compare myself to the duck. On the top, I may appear peaceful and serene, though lately more and more people are remarking how tired I look. I am sleeping, I'm sleeping plenty. But it never feels like enough. Anyways. Underneath that calm exterior, I'm scrambling. My other favorite analogy is that I feel like I'm standing on the edge of Titanic, and we've just hit the iceberg. She's going down, and we're not all getting out of this one this time. Support has presented itself in many ways, and again I feel your love.

Effective Wednesday at noon I've gone on a full leave of absence from work. My employers have been very gracious since his first diagnosis in making sure I had the support I needed, and knowing I didn't have to worry about the status of my job. It's not often the owner of your company personally contacts you with prayers and well wishes, and making sure the company is doing everything it can to lighten my burden. I've had some pretty awesome managers during some pretty dark times and in that regard I've been very lucky. With that turn of events I'm able to spend my time where I belong, with Jesse and our family. Since we aren't at the hospital any more, we're able to bring Evalina to be with her daddy. I will still likely call out for occasional sitters; it gets rough on her being here all the time and her schedule is all out of whack. Thankfully she is still sleeping quite well at night.

I started meeting with a social worker yesterday. She asked me if I'm sleeping well. I actually had to give a two part answer to that one. I'm sleeping brilliantly when I finally go to bed, but I never feel like going. She asked why. I'm really not able to answer that. It's not as though I'm not tired, I definitely am. And in dreams I can be whole again. And I don't have to get up with an alarm. So why don't I want to go to bed? I don't really know. Now accepting suggestions. My homework for the week is to make a list of things in my life to prioritize. I need to include on that list time for Katie, because I don't take any. I feel guilty when I do, like I should be with either Jesse or Evalina. And when Evalina is in bed for the night and I'm home alone, I'm too tired to do anything but watch TV. Too tired, but won't go to bed. Lather rinse repeat. Makes sense, right? All part of the process I suppose.

The wifi here is a bit weird, I can connect to some sites and not others. Excellus has blocked some things, but if I sit in just the right spot I can still pick up the hospital's wifi, so my presence online may be a bit spotty for a while. But I still have my phone. Again I apologize if my communication with you lately is lousy. Do feel free to nudge me, I won't get mad.