What do you say? - Katie

If you follow me on facebook, you know what's happening. Things have changed with Jesse, and they changed fast.

It's brought to mind a thought I've had. I fill people in, an awkward silence ensues. They say "I'm so sorry". I say "Thank you" or "I know, it sucks". Another awkward silence before moving on with conversation. Nobody knows what to say.

Or when I'm in public. Someone asks how I'm doing. "Terrible" I want to say. "Don't you know the kind of condition my soul mate is in? How do you think I am? Why are you standing there smiling at me when my world is coming to an end? What, I'm not wearing a great big sign on my head that I'm holding it together by a thread and you shouldn't ask me stupid questions?"

What can you say in that situation? I build up my wall and when you ask how I'm doing, I give you my standard "Very good, how are you?" even though it couldn't be further from the truth. I know it sucks. I'm living it, I know. I don't want to bring down your day by telling you how I'm really doing. Not to mention if I do I might not be able to keep that wall. And if the wall crashes, well, it's going to get a lot more awkward than just talking about emotions.

I've been on the receiving end, trying to figure out, what do you say to that person? The same pattern always follows. I never figure out the right thing to say. 

So, what DO you say? The honest answer is, I still don't know. The awkward does let me know you care so please do keep asking. A lot of people though have looked for the magic answer... Just know that there isn't one.

Sometimes when I ask a tough question, sometimes someone has an answer that brings me peace. And that helps. It really truly does. When I break down I have a hug and a shoulder waiting. Depending on who a glass of wine may follow, which also helps.

I told my mother yesterday that one of my hardest learned lessons, and something I would want to tell anyone new to the caregiver role, learn to ask for help and take it when offered. It's something that's always been hard for me for a variety of reasons. I think everybody probably feels like an inconvenience when they ask for help, even after it's offered, but caregiver is the most difficult role you will ever find yourself in and you NEED to accept the offers of help. When I have issued the call, I know that someone will always answer. And for now, that's enough.

It's really made me think, too. You never know what someone is going through. It could be the cashier who messed up your order at McDonald's, your coworker who snapped at you, the "jerk" who seemed like they weren't paying attention when they pulled out ahead of you on the highway. Be kind. Maybe they're going through something and preoccupied.

Maybe they really are a jerk.

But maybe, just maybe, they feel lost like me.