Roll credits

The wall came down tonight.

Only briefly, but just the same I finally let some air out of the tires.

It started innocently enough. I got home from my evening at the hospital with Olive Garden. They screwed up cashing me out and my dinner was cold by the time I got home. It doesn't reheat very well so they sent me with an extra bag FULL of hot, buttery, garlicy breadstick goodness. I was chowing down, the movie was playing, they left, the baby was playing in her high chair. Then suddenly, I heard it.

The closing song in the movie was the closing song at our wedding. I. Lost. It.

I let myself finally melt down for a few minutes and clung to my baby for comfort. Then I dried my eyes, put the baby to bed, straightened my glasses, and had my Andes Candy that came with my dinner.

I realized after some people were asking questions that the last update that I'd made about Jesse's condition was that he had gone in to the hospital with pancreatitis and they accidentally found the pulmonary embolism. I started the group to make shout outs for help, and post updates on his status. The size of it has gotten so that its original purpose of getting help with Evalina isn't entirely practical any more, but I can still shout out for other things we need and update on Jess. With that being said, I'll share my most recent post:

Friends, an update.

As you all know, Jesse had a really rough week. The results of this are such that our focus now has shifted to keeping him comfortable and managing his symptoms. We've had permission to bring Evalina in from time to time so he can see her.

At this time we ask that we keep visitation to family only so he doesn't get overwhelmed. Cards however are encouraged, he loves reading them. He's in room **** at ******* Hospital. Prayers are greatly appreciated, as always.

So what went on in the group that did not go on in my wall is a long story, but to sum it up, while fighting the PE and pancreatitis they also found several ulcers, a bowel blockage, and he developed pneumonia. Every time it seemed things were under control, the bottom dropped out and something else went wrong. His doctors were happy with his progress and even though they needed to put in a feeding tube to get nutrients in his system, I thought we were getting close to rehab. And then, 3 major seizures.

I was scared for him to go off his chemo. We were all concerned about 3 weeks off chemo while they dealt with everything else. But to stay on it would make all his other issues worse. So we found ourselves between a rock and a hard place, in many ways. The doctors and the nurses are working very diligently to make sure he's comfortable, including making the decision to let him have what he wants to eat (within reason). At this point in time, unless he gets some strength back, it is not safe to continue treatments.

My employers have been amazing. For as hard as it is for me to ask for help, asking for it at work is damn near impossible. When I have plucked up the guts to say "this is what I need", they have been very gracious and said, "we will help". My manager today told me the last thing I need to worry about is my job, just say the word when I need to take leave and they will make sure I'm covered.

I don't believe in coincidence, and as I was typing this blog, something happened that didn't get my attention right away, but after a moment it hit me like a ton of bricks what I was seeing.

I've done an awful lot of complaining and questioning why God didn't answer when so many people were begging for help for Jesse. I got so angry, blaming Him, asking why. Even now I'm still angry and only time will heal that. But I was watching The Wall on DVR, and after it finished I was channel surfing. I saw on the guide "Pirates of the Caribbean". It's almost bed time, but I can watch a few minutes of Johnny Depp. But when the movie came back, it wasn't "Pirates", it was "Bruce Almighty".... a movie where the lead is complaining, angry, and asking God why He has ignored his pleas for help. His problems are hardly comparable to what Jess is going through, but the message is the same. From bibleinfo.com, "Even if we are sincerely doing God’s will, and to the best of our ability, following His will for us, He may see that it is best for us not for Him to say "yes" at this time. We must continue trusting Him, regardless of His answer at the moment."

I found the reading on the website actually very comforting. I should read through it further, here.

I don't believe in coincidence. I was meant to land on this movie tonight.

Since the theme of the night seems to be movies, I will close with the lyrics from those credits:

I have died every day waiting for you.

Darling, don't be afraid. I have loved you

For a thousand years.

I'll love you for a thousand more.

All along I believed I would find you.

Time has brought your heart to me

And I will love you for a thousand years.

I'll love you for a thousand more.