From Monday until yesterday, I think I felt every color of the rainbow of human emotion. I wasn't going to talk about it but some people are in the know and others are not. Rather than trying to update a few people and have to tell the story multiple times, I figured I'll just re-tell it once.
Monday started like any other day. Went to work, started training the girl who's covering my maternity leave. No big deal. I did not expect to see my parents walking through the door about 3:00. To keep it short and sweet, Jesse had been having some of the symptoms that initially led us to the hospital in the first place last year and they took him in for evaluation. They admitted him Monday night, and I left with more questions than answers.
Tuesday came and I had a routine checkup for the baby. I was approaching week 39 and starting to get anxious about if any labor signs might be imminent. My blood pressure was up (not unexpectedly) and there was protein in my urine, which are key indicators of preeclampsia. The protein level was very low and under the circumstances I explained to my doctor, she wasn't terribly worried but ordered extra blood work to be safe. I popped over to the hospital to visit Jesse, went for my labs, and then off to work I went.
Waiting for news all day didn't do my anxiety level any favors, but training had to continue. First the call came from my doctor. Liver enzymes were just above normal. Paired with the morning's results, she wanted me to go to triage that night to have a non-stress test and repeat blood pressure, possibly a 24 hour urine test. Still, results were only slightly out of normal range so she didn't sound too worried. Finally about 2:30 the call came for Jesse. Commonly with what he's been through there can be a lot of inflammation aggravating the brain, and the remaining tumor. That's exactly what he was having. They were to keep him for meds and observation, and we will follow up with his oncologist as we are scheduled next week, and his neurosurgeon.
So now from fear and anxiety to immense relief and joy. I made my way to the hospital to first visit Jesse, then downstairs to triage to check on myself. NST should take a little over an hour, so I should be back up soon to hang out until I go home to sleep.
Not so fast.
The doctor on call in triage painted a very different picture and told me I have HELLP Syndrome, which is a severe form of preeclampsia. It can leave me very vulnerable to seizures, and later hemorrhaging during delivery. They needed to admit me immediately, keep me hooked up to monitors, induce labor, and add a magnesium drip. Back to fear, shock, disbelief, denial. They couldn't be inducing me while Jesse was still a patient upstairs, he can't miss this, but the doctor said it couldn't wait.
Now, that magnesium. I'd heard legends, and seen videos. It hits women HARD. Like, can't get out of bed kind of hard. I didn't want to meet my baby so messed up on meds that I couldn't even hold her. But it was for my safety, so I had to accept it. By some miracle I responded to it like a champ and was still able to walk with only my eyes being a little funny, some hot flashes, and being really really tired. And, since Jesse was only in for observation they let him come down to be with me whenever he wanted. So on to acceptance.
Wednesday came and went. Jess got released a day early, my best friend and doula came, and our families cycled in and out of both of our rooms. Induction went on, and they checked my labor progress. 1 cm dilated, same as at my doctor's office, but I was starting to efface (or thin). Frustrating that there had been no progress, but they had only just begun. I wasn't completely bedridden, I was able to get into a chair, take myself to the bathroom, etc, just with a nurse's help. I was still stead on my feet so now we can add a little bit of frustration. I don't like asking someone to bring me my computer which is 10 feet away on a tray when I'm capable of getting it myself, except that I'm still connected to 1000 wires and tubes.
Then Thursday came. My OB had been the doctor on call and came to visit me herself. She had reviewed my case with the MFM (specialist in high risk) and they were going to let me have a break to walk around sans monitors, maybe have a shower, some solid foods. (Oh yea, I'd been on nothing but clear fluids since being hooked up to the mag) I'd been having contractions since the night before that were appearing on the monitor, but only since the morning was I starting to feel a few.
A few hours later the doctor on call for the day, also the chief of staff, came to pay me a visit. She, my OB, and the MFM decided the magnesium was unnecessary because my blood pressure was so low. It had been reading normal since getting hooked up ( and they checked it every half hour ). That meant no more IV, no more liquid diet, no more paging someone just to get me out of bed. I could have kissed her. Now joy and excitement... my original birth plan of no meds (or minimal), laboring in what positions I want, out of bed, and a natural delivery was back on the table. We just had to wait for the plan! I had lunch, I had a shower, Jesse brought me watermelon, and I felt like a new woman! Our baby was coming, and closer to on my terms!
Next up, they checked my progress. There. Was. NONE. I had not advanced towards active labor at all even after 2 days of induction meds. They had not started Pitocin, which I thought was the next step, but the midwife who checked me said they would be back soon with a plan. Back to frustrated.
Some time of waiting later the doctor came in. She had been talking with the MFM about what to do. They were going to put the choice to me. My liver enzymes were NOT high enough to be classified as HELLP Syndrome as the original doctor said. Platelets were down, as is another indicator of HELLP, but they were NOT out of normal range. They agreed I was in no danger to go home and wait for labor to start on its own, or we could continue the induction process, with the knowledge that I had a 50% chance of ending up needing a C-section. My #1 want for this delivery is to NOT have a C-section unless there is no other choice. But, to wait and labor at home? What if contractions stop and now I'm waiting another 3 weeks until the drop dead we won't let you go past this date an I end up induced anyways? What about the hell I just went through? Was it all for nothing? Well, if I want to reduce my chances of going into surgery, yes. Now, devastation. Once the initial shock wore off of what was happening, I got really excited about going home with my baby. Now I might be going home to wait, and wasting my FMLA in the process?
We talked about it, thought about it, cried about it, asked the doctor more questions. They could try one more round of the meds, but I was still contracting 8 hours after my last dose so she thought it was a good indicator labor might actually continue on its own and I'd be back in a couple of days. I cried, a lot, and decided it would be best to go home. To go forward at that point would be out of impatience and frustration, and not because it was the best thing for me and the baby.
Overnight, I stopped contracting. So now my initial fear of, what if I went through all that and am now on leave to just be waiting for time to run out anyways is back. I'm going in soon to meet with another doctor on the team about what to do next. They want to keep a close eye on my labs to make sure I don't progress closer to HELLP, so I don't end up in an emergency. But right now, it's on to a wait and see situation.
It's only been 4 days, and not the longest 4 I've endured, but definitely filled with the most emotional twists and turns I've had in my life.
Monday started like any other day. Went to work, started training the girl who's covering my maternity leave. No big deal. I did not expect to see my parents walking through the door about 3:00. To keep it short and sweet, Jesse had been having some of the symptoms that initially led us to the hospital in the first place last year and they took him in for evaluation. They admitted him Monday night, and I left with more questions than answers.
Tuesday came and I had a routine checkup for the baby. I was approaching week 39 and starting to get anxious about if any labor signs might be imminent. My blood pressure was up (not unexpectedly) and there was protein in my urine, which are key indicators of preeclampsia. The protein level was very low and under the circumstances I explained to my doctor, she wasn't terribly worried but ordered extra blood work to be safe. I popped over to the hospital to visit Jesse, went for my labs, and then off to work I went.
Waiting for news all day didn't do my anxiety level any favors, but training had to continue. First the call came from my doctor. Liver enzymes were just above normal. Paired with the morning's results, she wanted me to go to triage that night to have a non-stress test and repeat blood pressure, possibly a 24 hour urine test. Still, results were only slightly out of normal range so she didn't sound too worried. Finally about 2:30 the call came for Jesse. Commonly with what he's been through there can be a lot of inflammation aggravating the brain, and the remaining tumor. That's exactly what he was having. They were to keep him for meds and observation, and we will follow up with his oncologist as we are scheduled next week, and his neurosurgeon.
So now from fear and anxiety to immense relief and joy. I made my way to the hospital to first visit Jesse, then downstairs to triage to check on myself. NST should take a little over an hour, so I should be back up soon to hang out until I go home to sleep.
Not so fast.
The doctor on call in triage painted a very different picture and told me I have HELLP Syndrome, which is a severe form of preeclampsia. It can leave me very vulnerable to seizures, and later hemorrhaging during delivery. They needed to admit me immediately, keep me hooked up to monitors, induce labor, and add a magnesium drip. Back to fear, shock, disbelief, denial. They couldn't be inducing me while Jesse was still a patient upstairs, he can't miss this, but the doctor said it couldn't wait.
Now, that magnesium. I'd heard legends, and seen videos. It hits women HARD. Like, can't get out of bed kind of hard. I didn't want to meet my baby so messed up on meds that I couldn't even hold her. But it was for my safety, so I had to accept it. By some miracle I responded to it like a champ and was still able to walk with only my eyes being a little funny, some hot flashes, and being really really tired. And, since Jesse was only in for observation they let him come down to be with me whenever he wanted. So on to acceptance.
Wednesday came and went. Jess got released a day early, my best friend and doula came, and our families cycled in and out of both of our rooms. Induction went on, and they checked my labor progress. 1 cm dilated, same as at my doctor's office, but I was starting to efface (or thin). Frustrating that there had been no progress, but they had only just begun. I wasn't completely bedridden, I was able to get into a chair, take myself to the bathroom, etc, just with a nurse's help. I was still stead on my feet so now we can add a little bit of frustration. I don't like asking someone to bring me my computer which is 10 feet away on a tray when I'm capable of getting it myself, except that I'm still connected to 1000 wires and tubes.
Then Thursday came. My OB had been the doctor on call and came to visit me herself. She had reviewed my case with the MFM (specialist in high risk) and they were going to let me have a break to walk around sans monitors, maybe have a shower, some solid foods. (Oh yea, I'd been on nothing but clear fluids since being hooked up to the mag) I'd been having contractions since the night before that were appearing on the monitor, but only since the morning was I starting to feel a few.
A few hours later the doctor on call for the day, also the chief of staff, came to pay me a visit. She, my OB, and the MFM decided the magnesium was unnecessary because my blood pressure was so low. It had been reading normal since getting hooked up ( and they checked it every half hour ). That meant no more IV, no more liquid diet, no more paging someone just to get me out of bed. I could have kissed her. Now joy and excitement... my original birth plan of no meds (or minimal), laboring in what positions I want, out of bed, and a natural delivery was back on the table. We just had to wait for the plan! I had lunch, I had a shower, Jesse brought me watermelon, and I felt like a new woman! Our baby was coming, and closer to on my terms!
Next up, they checked my progress. There. Was. NONE. I had not advanced towards active labor at all even after 2 days of induction meds. They had not started Pitocin, which I thought was the next step, but the midwife who checked me said they would be back soon with a plan. Back to frustrated.
Some time of waiting later the doctor came in. She had been talking with the MFM about what to do. They were going to put the choice to me. My liver enzymes were NOT high enough to be classified as HELLP Syndrome as the original doctor said. Platelets were down, as is another indicator of HELLP, but they were NOT out of normal range. They agreed I was in no danger to go home and wait for labor to start on its own, or we could continue the induction process, with the knowledge that I had a 50% chance of ending up needing a C-section. My #1 want for this delivery is to NOT have a C-section unless there is no other choice. But, to wait and labor at home? What if contractions stop and now I'm waiting another 3 weeks until the drop dead we won't let you go past this date an I end up induced anyways? What about the hell I just went through? Was it all for nothing? Well, if I want to reduce my chances of going into surgery, yes. Now, devastation. Once the initial shock wore off of what was happening, I got really excited about going home with my baby. Now I might be going home to wait, and wasting my FMLA in the process?
We talked about it, thought about it, cried about it, asked the doctor more questions. They could try one more round of the meds, but I was still contracting 8 hours after my last dose so she thought it was a good indicator labor might actually continue on its own and I'd be back in a couple of days. I cried, a lot, and decided it would be best to go home. To go forward at that point would be out of impatience and frustration, and not because it was the best thing for me and the baby.
Overnight, I stopped contracting. So now my initial fear of, what if I went through all that and am now on leave to just be waiting for time to run out anyways is back. I'm going in soon to meet with another doctor on the team about what to do next. They want to keep a close eye on my labs to make sure I don't progress closer to HELLP, so I don't end up in an emergency. But right now, it's on to a wait and see situation.
It's only been 4 days, and not the longest 4 I've endured, but definitely filled with the most emotional twists and turns I've had in my life.
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