I made a very difficult decision a few weeks ago. One I had thought about for many weeks before finally making the admission to myself. But it took until Friday to finally take action on my decision, because it was just that hard.
Way back in the start of this year, on a whim, I signed up for the NYC marathon. I know that in order to get in on that you have to either qualify, fundraise, or get really lucky with the lottery. I'm not that lucky, so I figured there's no way I'd get chosen on my first try. When it actually happened? I was shocked. Sure took a lot of the sting out of finding out a few days before that another attempt at getting pregnant had gone unsuccessfully. I planned to step up my game and run the 5 Burroughs fit and ready to shine. PR? Maybe not. But I would have arrived in much better shape than in my last two fulls.
Life, alas, had other plans for me this year.
Just about three weeks after the wonderful news broke about NYC Jesse went in to the hospital. Everything, rightly, changed. My priorities shifted completely and training no longer mattered.
Time went on, Spring turned into early summer. I started training on my own because I knew the clock was ticking. I needed to have my time for myself to clear my head, too, and in a darker time of my life that I do not speak of, my running was my only sanity. It seems this year my body had other ideas, as well. My asthma has seemed worse than ever this year. I'm not sure if it's the heat, the humidity, stress, the medications I'm on, or some combination of the above, but it just is not working for me this year.
In my mind I was still calculating... I have this many weeks until the race. If I can get into a solid routine, I could still do this. Jesse was cleared to train with me again and we came out with a bang. But again, the heat. He was still tired from treatments so we didn't move forward as we should. We took a lot of nights off. My stress level got worse. Now, add in to the mix IVF treatments and a few weeks at a time when I'm not allowed to do anything more intense than walk. Now, as a former Insanity instructor, personal trainer, and marathon runner, being told nothing more intense than walking is pure torture. But for the sake of my chances to conceive, I will do whatever it takes. Now I also know that part of the reason is to avoid ovarian torsion (twisting... can mean hospitalization), not just the risk to the baby.
One night in August I wanted to go for a longer run to see how I'd do. I hadn't attempted anything outside of the Couch to 5k plan in a long time and was getting very nervous about November. It went awfully. My goal was a 4.5, and I couldn't even make it a full mile without my asthma complaining. It's been a long time since I struggled that hard.
I finally came to the conclusion that night, is this really a wise idea to try to run that race? No matter what if one of our transfers takes between now and then, I would not have wanted to risk my baby and would have deferred anyways. If they hadn't, I know that no matter what if I started, I would finish. But there is no guarantee that I would ever be chosen again to run. I got lucky to be picked, especially on my first try. Knowing that this might be my only shot, do I want to blow it knowing that it would likely be my worst and most painful performance? Do I want to be crawling across the finish line?? Or do I want to wait until next year, when I can guarantee a reentry, and hopefully be able to cross that finish line with my head held high?
I knew what the right answer was, but it was not easy. I had to read and re-read the rules about canceling my registration three times before I could be certain I would have an entry guaranteed next year, and before I could hit the confirm button.
Having done it I feel as if a tremendous amount of pressure has been lifted. Now I can train or cross train as I feel is appropriate, and worry about New York later. It's scary going into a race knowing you're not prepared for it. It hurt to say "Not this year", but I know that finishing next year will be all the sweeter for having made this decision.
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