I have filled in some people, but I know a lot of others may still be wondering how my course of treatment went. Some saw me with the glass of wine and that answered the question for them.
It probably is for the better this time that our first IVF didn't go as we wanted. No, our two beautiful little embabies did not make it. We took it hard. We took it really hard and took quite some time to grieve. I can't explain it, but it really did feel like a death. I cried hard in Jesse's arms feeling like my body failed us. For those two weeks, in our minds, I was carrying our twins. The day before I ran my most recent half marathon I had my first blood test and the nurse who called me started the conversation with "You had a positive result". My heart was in my throat, I had to bite down from screaming. And then she said, "But". I was only positive by their standards, and only by a value of 0.2. I've never been pregnant, but I have been observing for quite some time. I know what a positive beta number looks like, and mine was not it. I know that likely one of them implanted, and for reasons we will never know stopped growing. My decision to run the race the next morning was one of protest since I was not allowed intense exercise in the two weeks I was waiting for my result. That race hurt, and not just physically. I ran for my husband who still couldn't, and I ran for the twins who couldn't stay.
In my usual Type A way, the wheels immediately started turning about what to try next. Do I transfer our one frozen? Try again for a second fresh and hope to get more left to freeze to add to that? The way my clinic works is, if you buy a full IVF cycle you can transfer any frozen embryos you have left for free. I like our odds better of transferring two instead of just one. Out of my original 13 eggs, we only had 3 that could have turned into a baby. I'm not okay with that. We need to do better next time. We need to have more, and of better quality. I wanted to talk directly to the doctor who started the whole practice... he has a reputation for number one being very accessible, willing to help everybody, and having a "kitchen sink" mentality in doing whatever it takes to make it work. The nurse offered me a time to talk to him that was in the middle of when our corporate people were in town, so obviously that wouldn't work. I ended up talking to the doctor in Rochester who created my protocol and was left very unhappy. He basically said there's not much we can do. Well, your specialty is IUI so let me talk to Dr. K.
Luckily if you want to talk to Dr. K., all you have to do is text him and things will get done. While it can be a bit hard to carve out some time to talk, he will find a time to make it happen. His demeanor reminds me quite a lot of Jesse's neurosurgeon... to the point, blunt, but still compassionate. I was and am very impressed. I likely won't be as public about the process this time, but I feel good about our plan and know that I'm in very good hands. We have a grant to get from the state, and have to tweak a few things to maximize what we'll get out of it, but the next steps could be set into motion as early as Tuesday.
We meant to go to church last weekend to give a final prayer for Jesse's results but instead had a last opportunity to have lunch with his brother before he went back to Phoenix. We assumed God would understand our decision to see family, and went instead today to give thanks. It seems that babies and pregnant women have been following me everywhere lately and it didn't escape my attention right away this morning that there was going to be a baptism. The theme of the day, however, seemed to be speaking directly to me.
The underlying theme across the chosen stories and hymns was "Be not afraid", and to have faith even if you can't see how things can work out. I noticed fast that the first story was about Abram and Sarai, and God telling Abram to have faith that He would give them the child they want so badly. It also didn't go unnoticed that the letter from Paul also mentioned Abram and Sarai, This after just at 8:30 this morning talking to my doctor. I don't believe in coincidence.
I wish that was my only medical malady. I'm on the quest for another dermatologist. The first one I went to took night appointments but right off the bat, I was NOT impressed. He basically insulted my primary physician, dropped it on me that I'm higher risk for melanoma but the mole I went in concerned about was NOT abnormal, then asked if I had any questions.
Uhmm, how about, do I have melanoma? Ass!
Short answer, I do not. But some people are genetically at higher risk for it than others, and you can tell by looking at your backside. If you have more than 3 moles on your rear end, you are a genetic risk. Also he pointed out a couple of moles that look more to me like freckles that have fuzzy borders. They are not cancerous, but they need to be monitored. So now I have to return twice a year for them to keep checking me. The caveat: I knew right away I would not be going back to this doctor, and have to find another one who has evening hours. It was clinched when they said they will no longer take insurance next year. A few people have recommended I get a second opinion that nothing is concerning right now before I get pregnant. I'm inclined to agree.
Add it to the laundry list to take to Dr. K. Did you know asthma, allergies and especially eczema can make it harder for IVF to work for me? I sure didn't... but my body apparently likes to attack itself. Luckily now that we know that there are things they can do to stop it.
Round 2: Allons-y and Geronimo. Let's have the kitchen sink!
It probably is for the better this time that our first IVF didn't go as we wanted. No, our two beautiful little embabies did not make it. We took it hard. We took it really hard and took quite some time to grieve. I can't explain it, but it really did feel like a death. I cried hard in Jesse's arms feeling like my body failed us. For those two weeks, in our minds, I was carrying our twins. The day before I ran my most recent half marathon I had my first blood test and the nurse who called me started the conversation with "You had a positive result". My heart was in my throat, I had to bite down from screaming. And then she said, "But". I was only positive by their standards, and only by a value of 0.2. I've never been pregnant, but I have been observing for quite some time. I know what a positive beta number looks like, and mine was not it. I know that likely one of them implanted, and for reasons we will never know stopped growing. My decision to run the race the next morning was one of protest since I was not allowed intense exercise in the two weeks I was waiting for my result. That race hurt, and not just physically. I ran for my husband who still couldn't, and I ran for the twins who couldn't stay.
In my usual Type A way, the wheels immediately started turning about what to try next. Do I transfer our one frozen? Try again for a second fresh and hope to get more left to freeze to add to that? The way my clinic works is, if you buy a full IVF cycle you can transfer any frozen embryos you have left for free. I like our odds better of transferring two instead of just one. Out of my original 13 eggs, we only had 3 that could have turned into a baby. I'm not okay with that. We need to do better next time. We need to have more, and of better quality. I wanted to talk directly to the doctor who started the whole practice... he has a reputation for number one being very accessible, willing to help everybody, and having a "kitchen sink" mentality in doing whatever it takes to make it work. The nurse offered me a time to talk to him that was in the middle of when our corporate people were in town, so obviously that wouldn't work. I ended up talking to the doctor in Rochester who created my protocol and was left very unhappy. He basically said there's not much we can do. Well, your specialty is IUI so let me talk to Dr. K.
Luckily if you want to talk to Dr. K., all you have to do is text him and things will get done. While it can be a bit hard to carve out some time to talk, he will find a time to make it happen. His demeanor reminds me quite a lot of Jesse's neurosurgeon... to the point, blunt, but still compassionate. I was and am very impressed. I likely won't be as public about the process this time, but I feel good about our plan and know that I'm in very good hands. We have a grant to get from the state, and have to tweak a few things to maximize what we'll get out of it, but the next steps could be set into motion as early as Tuesday.
We meant to go to church last weekend to give a final prayer for Jesse's results but instead had a last opportunity to have lunch with his brother before he went back to Phoenix. We assumed God would understand our decision to see family, and went instead today to give thanks. It seems that babies and pregnant women have been following me everywhere lately and it didn't escape my attention right away this morning that there was going to be a baptism. The theme of the day, however, seemed to be speaking directly to me.
The underlying theme across the chosen stories and hymns was "Be not afraid", and to have faith even if you can't see how things can work out. I noticed fast that the first story was about Abram and Sarai, and God telling Abram to have faith that He would give them the child they want so badly. It also didn't go unnoticed that the letter from Paul also mentioned Abram and Sarai, This after just at 8:30 this morning talking to my doctor. I don't believe in coincidence.
I wish that was my only medical malady. I'm on the quest for another dermatologist. The first one I went to took night appointments but right off the bat, I was NOT impressed. He basically insulted my primary physician, dropped it on me that I'm higher risk for melanoma but the mole I went in concerned about was NOT abnormal, then asked if I had any questions.
Uhmm, how about, do I have melanoma? Ass!
Short answer, I do not. But some people are genetically at higher risk for it than others, and you can tell by looking at your backside. If you have more than 3 moles on your rear end, you are a genetic risk. Also he pointed out a couple of moles that look more to me like freckles that have fuzzy borders. They are not cancerous, but they need to be monitored. So now I have to return twice a year for them to keep checking me. The caveat: I knew right away I would not be going back to this doctor, and have to find another one who has evening hours. It was clinched when they said they will no longer take insurance next year. A few people have recommended I get a second opinion that nothing is concerning right now before I get pregnant. I'm inclined to agree.
Add it to the laundry list to take to Dr. K. Did you know asthma, allergies and especially eczema can make it harder for IVF to work for me? I sure didn't... but my body apparently likes to attack itself. Luckily now that we know that there are things they can do to stop it.
Round 2: Allons-y and Geronimo. Let's have the kitchen sink!
Although I cannot fully understand what you're going through, always know you have my support, thoughts, and prayers. I wish there was something I could do to help. Do not think it is a failure on your part, we cannot decide what our imperfections will be, but we can control how we react to them. Do you know the account of Hannah in the Bible? She was in the same situation, however she had a rival wife that made things 10 times worse for her by tormenting her about being unable to have children, but she prayed to the God of Israel, Jehovah, and begged for just one child, she promised if he would give her just one, she would offer his lifetime service at the temple as thanks. Shortly after she became pregnant, she kept her promise and went on to have sever more children. Use God's name when you pray, talk to him as you would a friend, petition him and allow the peace of God take over.
ReplyDeleteKatie,
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine the difficulty of everything you and your husband are going through right now, but I want you to know that I think of you often and keep you in my prayers. I know it seems like a sort of meek offering, to keep someone in your prayers- but I truly to believe in the power of it and I hope that there is some peace in knowing that there are people out there praying for your health and your success both in recovery and in trying to conceive. I wish you both so much love!
--Julie