Things with Jesse have been pretty much as usual. He's gone back to work part time, and driving supervised. After driving with me, his mother, and his father, we've all agreed he is ready to be cut loose and drive on his own! His next appointment is next Tuesday with oncology. He's having blood work, starting his next 5/23 cycle, and likely getting released to 6 hour days at work. We're definitely on the right track!
It seems needles however are the theme of the day. It's been a rough couple for me. I mean, I asked for this. I requested to talk to the doctor known for what we call the "kitchen sink treatment". I said I want to be more aggressive and have a huge retrieval. 13 eggs is good, but knowing I'd likely lose 75% of them, it's really not. So I told him this time, let's go big or go home.
He delivered, pardon the pun. But oh, the needles....
Jesse can vouch for this. When I went for my consultation he arrived just in time for them to draw about 7 vials of blood for testing. I'm not a fan of needles. The first time I had my cholesterol checked they thought I was going to faint. When I saw the laundry list of tests they were running and how many vials she had, well, poor Jesse might have had to catch me. But it's a part of the process... eventually you get used to losing a vial of blood every other day for a week and a half. And the first time you have to jab yourself with medication. At least for me, it was an amusing process. Why can't I get the needle on the syringe straight? Why can't I get it back off again to fix it? SHIT I bent the needle, now what do I do? OW CRAP I STUCK MY FINGER WITH IT!! And a half hour later, feeling triumphant that I was done, I realized I misread the directions and gave myself about 4x as much as I was prescribed. After a panicked Google search and call to the emergency nurse, I realized I was fine and the dose I had is given all the time to people on higher doses.
An attempted IUI and an IVF under my belt, I'm used to giving myself shots, right? Stimulate follicle growth, Suppress ovulation. Trigger ovulation. Progesterone. Now THAT one took liquid courage! The first time I saw the size of that needle (and yes that sucker goes right into my cheek, and I don't mean the one on my face) I procrastinated doing it as long as humanly possible. But, I got used to it and don't even really dread it any more.
But now things have changed. Go bigger I said! We added a second stimulation med, added HGH to improve quality and make them grow at the same rate. Earlier in the week I added my usual injection to suppress ovulation. Here's where the fun part started.
Monday night I reached the point where I ran out of a vial of HGH halfway through a dose. Anyone who's done IVF or considered it knows how expensive those meds are. You don't waste a drop. So even if it's a partial dose, you give that freaking half dose! Can't reuse needles, so that means twice the injections. The same happened with one of my stims. Lucky me! In one fell swoop I went from 3 shots to 5, and one of them wouldn't go through the skin so I had to try for 6.
All this on the first night I decided, I don't need the ice any more! Bad idea.
Tuesday, I had an unusual problem with my Cetrotide (the ovulation suppressant). Long story short I forgot what I was doing, stuck myself in the finger with a needle (AGAIN) only to find that most of the medicine leaked out through the rubber stopper and ended up on my hand and had to do it again.
And we're not going to even talk about the kafluffle that's going along with setting up my two IV's that I need. Let me rephrase that: two different TYPES of IV. One will be weekly, one monthly. What have I gotten myself into?! At least I don't have to figure out sticking THOSE into my arm.
If nothing else, even if nothing ever comes of it, this journey has taught me a lot. A lot more about infertility than I ever wanted to know but that's neither here nor there. I've finally overcome my fear of needles. And if you want something bad enough, there's nothing you won't do to make it happen.
It's also amazing to me how you become instant family with people when you realize they've been on the same journey. I've met so many amazing women that I wouldn't have known without this. I've had people go out of their way to help me, people that I've never even met in person. I'm very thankful that I've had the opportunity to pay that kindness forward to help someone else.
I've learned some things I wish I didn't know... about who's really got our backs when the chips are down and who's just paying lip service. This can be such a lonely journey even when you're facing it with full support of your spouse/best friend.
Sometimes I feel like I talk about it too much. I know we have other things going on, even one thing which is more important. I knew IVF was a big commitment, but what I thought I knew was only a start. There's times that there are things I want to talk about, rant about, ask questions about, but don't want to sound like a whiner and don't want to come off like I'm looking for sympathy (I'm not). Sometimes I just need a sounding board. I think that's why I felt so compelled to start writing. Sometimes it's hard to feel like I'm screaming inside, but can't say it on the outside, because I don't want to ruffle feathers.
Someone told me around the time we got Jesse's MRI results back that to deal with cancer and IVF at the same time made me Wonderwoman to her. I'm flattered by that, I really honestly am. So many people need a distraction from the IVF. To me, starting the first IVF while Jesse was still in treatments provided a positive distraction from the fear I was feeling going into his results. We're not done yet and it's still scary, but knowing we're on the right track is making it easier to go forward without constantly worrying about it.
I did say I was going to keep the cards a lot closer to my chest this time with my cycle, but things are coming along very soon. I have the first of my infusions on Saturday. Next week, things go into high gear. I feel very positive about our plan this time. My doctor has gotten so good at frozen embryo transfer (FET) that they actually prefer those to fresh. We're still doing a fresh, as the grant I was awarded requires it. But we're hopeful this time that either it will stick, or, we will have a large number to freeze. We will know, soon.
Go big, or go home.
It seems needles however are the theme of the day. It's been a rough couple for me. I mean, I asked for this. I requested to talk to the doctor known for what we call the "kitchen sink treatment". I said I want to be more aggressive and have a huge retrieval. 13 eggs is good, but knowing I'd likely lose 75% of them, it's really not. So I told him this time, let's go big or go home.
He delivered, pardon the pun. But oh, the needles....
Jesse can vouch for this. When I went for my consultation he arrived just in time for them to draw about 7 vials of blood for testing. I'm not a fan of needles. The first time I had my cholesterol checked they thought I was going to faint. When I saw the laundry list of tests they were running and how many vials she had, well, poor Jesse might have had to catch me. But it's a part of the process... eventually you get used to losing a vial of blood every other day for a week and a half. And the first time you have to jab yourself with medication. At least for me, it was an amusing process. Why can't I get the needle on the syringe straight? Why can't I get it back off again to fix it? SHIT I bent the needle, now what do I do? OW CRAP I STUCK MY FINGER WITH IT!! And a half hour later, feeling triumphant that I was done, I realized I misread the directions and gave myself about 4x as much as I was prescribed. After a panicked Google search and call to the emergency nurse, I realized I was fine and the dose I had is given all the time to people on higher doses.
An attempted IUI and an IVF under my belt, I'm used to giving myself shots, right? Stimulate follicle growth, Suppress ovulation. Trigger ovulation. Progesterone. Now THAT one took liquid courage! The first time I saw the size of that needle (and yes that sucker goes right into my cheek, and I don't mean the one on my face) I procrastinated doing it as long as humanly possible. But, I got used to it and don't even really dread it any more.
But now things have changed. Go bigger I said! We added a second stimulation med, added HGH to improve quality and make them grow at the same rate. Earlier in the week I added my usual injection to suppress ovulation. Here's where the fun part started.
Monday night I reached the point where I ran out of a vial of HGH halfway through a dose. Anyone who's done IVF or considered it knows how expensive those meds are. You don't waste a drop. So even if it's a partial dose, you give that freaking half dose! Can't reuse needles, so that means twice the injections. The same happened with one of my stims. Lucky me! In one fell swoop I went from 3 shots to 5, and one of them wouldn't go through the skin so I had to try for 6.
All this on the first night I decided, I don't need the ice any more! Bad idea.
Tuesday, I had an unusual problem with my Cetrotide (the ovulation suppressant). Long story short I forgot what I was doing, stuck myself in the finger with a needle (AGAIN) only to find that most of the medicine leaked out through the rubber stopper and ended up on my hand and had to do it again.
And we're not going to even talk about the kafluffle that's going along with setting up my two IV's that I need. Let me rephrase that: two different TYPES of IV. One will be weekly, one monthly. What have I gotten myself into?! At least I don't have to figure out sticking THOSE into my arm.
If nothing else, even if nothing ever comes of it, this journey has taught me a lot. A lot more about infertility than I ever wanted to know but that's neither here nor there. I've finally overcome my fear of needles. And if you want something bad enough, there's nothing you won't do to make it happen.
It's also amazing to me how you become instant family with people when you realize they've been on the same journey. I've met so many amazing women that I wouldn't have known without this. I've had people go out of their way to help me, people that I've never even met in person. I'm very thankful that I've had the opportunity to pay that kindness forward to help someone else.
I've learned some things I wish I didn't know... about who's really got our backs when the chips are down and who's just paying lip service. This can be such a lonely journey even when you're facing it with full support of your spouse/best friend.
Sometimes I feel like I talk about it too much. I know we have other things going on, even one thing which is more important. I knew IVF was a big commitment, but what I thought I knew was only a start. There's times that there are things I want to talk about, rant about, ask questions about, but don't want to sound like a whiner and don't want to come off like I'm looking for sympathy (I'm not). Sometimes I just need a sounding board. I think that's why I felt so compelled to start writing. Sometimes it's hard to feel like I'm screaming inside, but can't say it on the outside, because I don't want to ruffle feathers.
Someone told me around the time we got Jesse's MRI results back that to deal with cancer and IVF at the same time made me Wonderwoman to her. I'm flattered by that, I really honestly am. So many people need a distraction from the IVF. To me, starting the first IVF while Jesse was still in treatments provided a positive distraction from the fear I was feeling going into his results. We're not done yet and it's still scary, but knowing we're on the right track is making it easier to go forward without constantly worrying about it.
I did say I was going to keep the cards a lot closer to my chest this time with my cycle, but things are coming along very soon. I have the first of my infusions on Saturday. Next week, things go into high gear. I feel very positive about our plan this time. My doctor has gotten so good at frozen embryo transfer (FET) that they actually prefer those to fresh. We're still doing a fresh, as the grant I was awarded requires it. But we're hopeful this time that either it will stick, or, we will have a large number to freeze. We will know, soon.
Go big, or go home.
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