Jesse and I started going to a new church last weekend. It isn't really new to me, per say. I went to events there for years on Thursday nights. The St. Thomas Episcopal church plays host to a group who swing dances every week. Last week we decided it was time to start attending services again, and St. Thomas's is unique in that they offer Saturday afternoon services which will be great once Jesse is back to work on Sundays. So, we chose to make that our first stop. We just happened to love it there!
Looking back at everything that's happened to us... everything before we met and especially in the last month and a half. It would be easy to pull away from our faith. Most people probably would. At first, I was angry too. Haven't I already been through enough? I went through hell to get here, and I know Jesse did too. We are so happy together, and had just started trying for a baby. That, of course, would have to be put on hold now. Why would God put us together after all of that only to have us facing this scary time?
My honest belief, He didn't.
Does He want to see us suffer? Of course not. It's not always for us to know the reason things happen, but in our case He did alert us to the problem while there was still plenty of time and ability to fight. He gave us the best possible surgical team. He also gave us strength. Jesse has said many times that he knows he will be a cancer survivor and this happened to him because he has the strength to fight it. We also have prayer warriors all over the world lifting him up in healing.
Especially being Mother's Day, it's harder than usual for me to reconcile my feelings about the difficulty we're going to face in becoming parents. It's been a very bitter pill to swallow, even without the cancer diagnosis. But adding that in has taken something taboo, and made it impossible to talk about. How could I still be worried about babies while my husband is fighting brain cancer? I was afraid to even talk to him about it. He asked me why.... "But honey!" I said, "We have much more important things to worry about before we start worrying about a baby." He half laughed, half cried and said "But this is important too". Well, that settles that! We start saving.
I had some early practice this week in giving myself injections. For a girl who's terrified of needles, I'm actually rather proud of how well I did. I think Jesse was more worried watching me than I was of actually doing it. It didn't even hurt, really. Just a mild burning sensation from the alcohol rub. We aren't doing an IVF yet, but insurance is covering one attempt at an IUI before we start chemotherapy. It probably won't work. The center said our chances of success are 6-10%, at best. But without the medication and the intervention from the CNY Fertility Center, our odds of success would be zero. It's more an experiment in seeing how I respond to the medication. But if it works, bonus! If it doesn't, we will wait until he finishes his chemo to go forward with a full IVF cycle.
Though as an aside, I have to make a huge shout out to CNY. They really saved our bacon this week. My insurance covers the IUI procedure but not the injectable medication. After insurance we were looking at a 4 figure bill, for an experiment. Not going to happen, not when we're looking at the same kind of demand for Jesse's treatments. I'll worry about racking up debt after he's all set. So I told the center, I'm going to have to try a pill only cycle. What I did not expect was a phone call 3 hours later saying that they have a client who has a lot of extra medicine that she is not going to use, would I accept a donation. All factory sealed, sterile, safe. We graciously accepted on condition that should I have extra medicine left, we will pay it forward and donate to another couple in need. And, the mother to be asked that I stay in touch and let her know how we do. I'll never forget her kindness!
Just today sitting in church I was thinking about everything we're facing. It's amazing to me that somehow still our faith is getting stronger. It's not a coincidence that my sister-in-law worked with the best neurosurgeon available. It's not a coincidence that I started the process of fertility testing just a month before we got his diagnosis and just happened to have a place to go. It's not a coincidence that the very morning I mention that I can't afford our medication a few hours later they have someone asking what to do with her extras. Truly, I don't believe in coincidence. The things we're facing are hard but I believe we were given the tools to fight... both his cancer and our infertility. Everything happens for a reason and is leading us to where we need to be.
Looking back at everything that's happened to us... everything before we met and especially in the last month and a half. It would be easy to pull away from our faith. Most people probably would. At first, I was angry too. Haven't I already been through enough? I went through hell to get here, and I know Jesse did too. We are so happy together, and had just started trying for a baby. That, of course, would have to be put on hold now. Why would God put us together after all of that only to have us facing this scary time?
My honest belief, He didn't.
Does He want to see us suffer? Of course not. It's not always for us to know the reason things happen, but in our case He did alert us to the problem while there was still plenty of time and ability to fight. He gave us the best possible surgical team. He also gave us strength. Jesse has said many times that he knows he will be a cancer survivor and this happened to him because he has the strength to fight it. We also have prayer warriors all over the world lifting him up in healing.
Especially being Mother's Day, it's harder than usual for me to reconcile my feelings about the difficulty we're going to face in becoming parents. It's been a very bitter pill to swallow, even without the cancer diagnosis. But adding that in has taken something taboo, and made it impossible to talk about. How could I still be worried about babies while my husband is fighting brain cancer? I was afraid to even talk to him about it. He asked me why.... "But honey!" I said, "We have much more important things to worry about before we start worrying about a baby." He half laughed, half cried and said "But this is important too". Well, that settles that! We start saving.
I had some early practice this week in giving myself injections. For a girl who's terrified of needles, I'm actually rather proud of how well I did. I think Jesse was more worried watching me than I was of actually doing it. It didn't even hurt, really. Just a mild burning sensation from the alcohol rub. We aren't doing an IVF yet, but insurance is covering one attempt at an IUI before we start chemotherapy. It probably won't work. The center said our chances of success are 6-10%, at best. But without the medication and the intervention from the CNY Fertility Center, our odds of success would be zero. It's more an experiment in seeing how I respond to the medication. But if it works, bonus! If it doesn't, we will wait until he finishes his chemo to go forward with a full IVF cycle.
Though as an aside, I have to make a huge shout out to CNY. They really saved our bacon this week. My insurance covers the IUI procedure but not the injectable medication. After insurance we were looking at a 4 figure bill, for an experiment. Not going to happen, not when we're looking at the same kind of demand for Jesse's treatments. I'll worry about racking up debt after he's all set. So I told the center, I'm going to have to try a pill only cycle. What I did not expect was a phone call 3 hours later saying that they have a client who has a lot of extra medicine that she is not going to use, would I accept a donation. All factory sealed, sterile, safe. We graciously accepted on condition that should I have extra medicine left, we will pay it forward and donate to another couple in need. And, the mother to be asked that I stay in touch and let her know how we do. I'll never forget her kindness!
Just today sitting in church I was thinking about everything we're facing. It's amazing to me that somehow still our faith is getting stronger. It's not a coincidence that my sister-in-law worked with the best neurosurgeon available. It's not a coincidence that I started the process of fertility testing just a month before we got his diagnosis and just happened to have a place to go. It's not a coincidence that the very morning I mention that I can't afford our medication a few hours later they have someone asking what to do with her extras. Truly, I don't believe in coincidence. The things we're facing are hard but I believe we were given the tools to fight... both his cancer and our infertility. Everything happens for a reason and is leading us to where we need to be.
Katie it's no coincidence at all but a God-incidence. We went through infertility and now have two beautiful babies. No problem for God. He knows your heart and your desires because He placed them in you. He cares about everything that you care about. Don't say it's not going to work. Life and death is in the power of the tongue. Say Jesus this baby is gonna stick if you want it to amen:)
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